Thursday, 19 January 2017

January lethargy

I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks.

I know, not an overwhelming amount of time. But a few weeks ago I was practically bursting with ideas that I couldn't write down fast enough.

It's not for lack of wanting. Or maybe it is. 

I just feel incredibly uninspired at the moment.

Everything feels like work. Going with friends. Shopping. Commuting. Having free time. I feel either bored and restless or overwhelmed and craving time alone.

I don't have the energy to do anything.

I'm simultaneously bored but also have a to-do list as long as my arm. I want to have plans and do things until the point when I have to actually do them, and then I just don't want to. 

I feel guilty about all the things I should be doing.

And it's not feeling down. I know all about that with my anxiety and low mood. I know when I feel sad or down or lonely. This just feel like a lot of blah. A lot of nothing. It doesn't feel like anything.

And I know I'm not alone. As soon as I tweeted about it this morning I had one of my best friends text me to say she felt the exact same way, and I've noticed a few bloggers I follow have been quiet lately. Which is reassuring, at least.

I know it's a phase. I know it will pass. But right now I just feel like I'm going through the motions with everything.

I've been meditating every day, moving my phone into another rooms in the evening, making a sleepy time tea, fostering better morning and evening routines, filling in a gratitude journal twice a day.

And I feel so ungrateful when I answer "what do you feel grateful for?" with "tea" and "sleep". Because I know I have hundreds, thousands of things to be grateful for beyond "tea" and "sleep" and then I feel guilty for feeling like this. 

I know this will pass. I know it's normal. And I know I'm okay. I just don't feel myself. I don't feel excited or ambitious or inspired or productive.

January is hard for everyone, I know it's not just me. And I know we're in a state of uncertainty with our house, soon to be moving out of our flat, and there's part of my brain reoccupied at all times with mortgages and solicitors and fees and wallpaper ideas and flooring decisions. I know that's weighing on my mind more than I think. 

I'm sad because I want to blog. I love few things more than that excited, can't-type-fast enough idea that I'm so excited to get down. And I have a notebook full of ideas that I don't know how to execute.

I know this soon will pass. I know it's just a phase and I know I'll get through it. And I know I'm not alone.

But right now it just feel like guilt and boredom and lethargy and worst of all, nothing.

Charlotte x

No comments:

Post a Comment