Saturday, 5 June 2010

discontent.

I am restless. But at the same time fed up of being busy.

I'm just completely discontent.

My exams are over, my Visa is sorted and I go on holiday in 2 weeks but I still feel like something is missing.

I loved yesterday but I have a phone interview tomorrow and the article to write up and I just feel like I have so much to do and so little time.

I feel like I'm constantly busy.

I'm always doing things for ends that won't materialise for years yet.

But will I be happy then?

And what is happiness? And what is simply being content? And which is better?

Am I just part of a generation that never feels completely satisfied?

I think of how I want my life to be in ten years. I want to be a successful journalist at a good magazine doing a job I love. Maybe freelance by this point if I have children, or high enough up that I no longer need to be up at 5am working in the city til midnight. I want to be married. I want someone who I adore, someone who makes me completely happy.

But will I ever find someone who won't hurt me, who ticks all the boxes?

And if I manage to find myself working for a magazine as a journalist, will that be enough? Will I always want more?

Will I regret things I didn't do when I was younger? Will I regret things I'm doing, or not doing right now?

I never fear regretting things I did. I fear regretting things I didn't do.

What is feeling content?

Is this a good thing, that I'm always striving for something more? That I always want to work hard and do as much as I can, even if it means I'm always stressed out and find it impossible to relax. Constantly restless. Brain constantly whirring.

Do I maybe lose sight of why I'm doing things? Do I forget that I write for so many blogs and magazines so that I can email companies for work experience and they can think, yes, they have work hard and deserve to work here? Do I forget that I work at my bar job for the money to be comfortable, to enable me to buy what I need and what I want?

Is it what my Dad always says, that I'm just too hard on myself and my achievements?

Is this the typical self deprecating British? Never celebrating by dumbing-down their achievements?

I wonder if I'll feel differently a year from now.

I just always feel like there's something missing. Something in my life that needs tweaking. I always feel someone else has it better. More opportunities. Smarter. Prettier. Funnier.

Maybe it's the end of my second year, and for all the time that I've been down, it's been an amazing year. Maybe it's just the anticipation of change, something which I have never been able to handle well. Maybe I feel so discontent because now I finally feel content everything is changing?

I hope that change will be good, and that one day I will feel completely content, and I will find strength in situations that challenge me and not shy from them in fear of stress.

One day I hope I will be able to stop worrying about the future.

Perhaps that is contentedness.

xxx

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