Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Bad Day


I had a couple of scheduled posts planned for this week while I was getting on with the dance show and my dissertation, but if you follow me on Twitter, you'll know of the events that transpired yesterday and I didn't think it was appropriate to post about nails and jackets without telling you what had happened.

Yesterday's phonecall was not what I expected. I'd been waiting for 5 days to hear back about the interview I had on Wednesday for the placement in San Francisco. I'd been feeling constantly sick and the worry was keeping me awake at night. But I knew my interview had gone well, and my application was good. The job was working in a gift store on Fisherman's Wharf and I've been working in retail since I was 16. I had all the skills for the job, and I'd spoken about the job and the location with passion and excitement. It was my absolute dream job- working with people and clothes in a city that I loved. I knew it was the summer I needed after my final year of uni. I was apprehensive following my interview, but I was quietly confident. I'd told lots of people about the job and I was so so excited about it. I really thought I had it in the bag.

At first, I thought it was a joke, "they didn't chose you." Then I realised it was real. And I started to cry. Uncontrollably. Mascara was streaming down my face. People were staring. I could barely think, barely breathe. How could this be happening? How was this real? The London office didn't know why I hadn't been chosen, he thought I had a really good chance. He told me to be myself and that my application was good. I was myself, but myself wasn't good enough.

Yesterday was a blur of a burning red face and breaking of bad news. Endless sympathy and sadness. I think my Mum cried when I told her. We all thought I was going to get it. We'd all told everybody that I was going to San Francisco. And now I just feel stupid. I feel like such an idiot. I am so ashamed of myself for being so cocky, for thinking I had already gotten the job. All the hours spent preparing for the interview, the hours spent reading into everything that happened. The times I spent googling San Francisco when I was having a bad day.

At the moment, it doesn't feel real yet. It's not really sunk in. I'm waiting for a phonecall later today to find out what my options are now. I've paid £600 for this programme so far and I don't want to withdraw, but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to end up washing dishes in a "remote community". Apparently I'm still on review for positions in LA, Orange County and New Hampshire but I'm terrified about what happens if I don't get one of those places. Do I just end up somewhere, anywhere, by default? Do I still want to be working in America even if it's somewhere I don't want to be? I lived in small town America on my year abroad and loved it, but do I want to be a real small, small town? Would I rather stay here and work in a supermarket? What do I do now?

I always try to think that everything happens for a reason, but this has been hard to take. If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll know I've not had the best year this year, and this was one thing keeping me going. This was the thing keeping me going through my endless hours in the library, through all the hard work I've done for my degree- this was my reward.

And now I just feel deflated. I feel like I've let myself down and everyone else down. I failed a job interview to work in a shop. It's not like being rejecting for grad schemes (which keeps happening!) where I've thought, well, maybe I didn't have the skills they wanted. I had the skills for this. I had the personality they wanted. And I don't really know where I went wrong. What I did wrong. But my confidence is completely crushed. I'm finding it hard to accept that the future I had planned isn't the one I thought I was getting.

I still have a scheduled post lined up and another one to finish writing. After last night's dress rehearsal (which went on until 11.30pm!) I don't think I'm going to have time to blog this week, and as my dissertation is due in next Thursday, I'm up and out too early to take outfit photos. I promise soon I'll be back to usual.

I'm sorry to have to bring you bad news. I'm really sorry. I just have to hope that something better will come along. Because what choice do I have? You have to just keep going...

10 comments:

  1. First things first - you do not need to apologise hun! You've done nothing wrong. I know there is no worse feeling than the feeling of thinking you aren't good enough, but you are, and it is their loss and not yours. Ever dark cloud has got a silver lining and yours will be just around the corner. xxx

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  2. Well done for writing about this, it must have been really hard =( But you've still got the options of those other places remember, keep hoping!! At least you got some amazing practice with this interview, just don't let it knock your confidence for the next one!! They probably had loads of applicants for the same job, and you never know, you might have been too overqualified for it!! Just don't let yourself get too down over it, it's a ridiculous job climate at the moment, and you definitely deserve to be doing something more than working in a supermarket at home. When Ben finished uni he didn't want to end up doing a supermarket filler job while he was waiting, and despite applying for jobs and schemes like crazy, having interviews every other week, it took him nearly a year to actually get a job. There are so so many other people out there trying to get jobs at the moment, so remember it's very likely not personally against you. You will get other amazing opportunities and they'll probably be even better!!
    xxx

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  3. Hey lady,

    So sorry to hear that the job didn't come through. I know all too well what job rejection is like b/c as of the
    last 8 months, I’ve been putting all my efforts to find work… and it’s not
    happening. I go on interviews, I send out resumes, I hear from recruiters… and
    9 out 10 times, I’m disappointed. So just know that there’s someone else out
    there who knows what rejection is like… And it takes it’s toll on you. It’s
    been very difficult for me, but 
    the best advice I can give to you is to keep on going. Yes, it’s cheesy,
    but don’t let this ruin your dreams. Just because this one job said no, there
    will be someone else to say yes. Take your sorrows and turn it into passion to
    find something bigger and better. That’s how I get by… I wish you all the best…
    Stay positive. It will happen!

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  4.  I wish you all the bast! Don't give up, you will find something better!
    visit me in free time
    http://mesmerize87.blogspot.com

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  5. Oh Charlotte. I can't even tell you how much I know how you feel!! You're experience has been the last 9 months of my life! Only recently did I find a job that doesn't make me hate myself. 

    When you first said you were planning to go to America and get a job, I was excited for you, but I was also worried for you. The fact of the matter is: things are really bad here. And it's not the kind of "bad" that anyone can see from the outside. You don't know until you're in the middle of it. I know so many people without jobs or who are underemployed. Young people age 18-25 have an unemployment rate of over 60%. And those who are employed at typically underpaid and overqualified for the work their doing. And that's if they haven't taken jobs for no wages. 

    For the job you interviewed for, there were probably tons of applicants, tons of people interviewed, and tons of great candidates to choose from. When it came down to it, the store pretty much had to just blindly choose. It didn't mean you weren't qualified or they didn't like you or that you didn't do a good interview. At where I work now, there was another job they advertised for that got 250 applications. 250!!! For a minimum wage, part-time job!! 

    I wish I could tell you something else to make you magically feel better. But there really is nothing. And I really hope what I have said makes you realize it is not YOU that's the problem. America is just really, really bad right now. Things are bad. But I've felt what you've felt and what's helped me overcome it is replacing it. Whenever I got rejected by a job, I would apply to others, even if I didn't want them; I would apply to jobs in places I never planned on going. It helped me feel like I was moving on and "better than" the rejection. 

    I'm thinking about you. You can always message me on Facebook if you need to. 

    xo Michelle

    ps - Longest comment ever. 

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  6. I'm really sorry to hear that this didn't work out the way that you wanted. If it's any consolation, it's highly likely that it wasn't anything that you did. As other commenters said, the company may have had a few really good applicants, with the right skills, and the right personality, then basically flipped a coin to decide who got it, and you were just unlucky. Don't stop trying - something will come up!

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  7. Normally, I am an unashamed lurker. But!

    I don't know you or your situation, but I do think I know some pretty general things. I am pretty dang sure that you shouldn't worry about telling people your plans have changed, and you shouldn't feel stupid or like an idiot for it, because I guarantee no one is think you're either. Everyone is too busy being sad for you, or offended for you, because I bet they know that you deserved the gig, and I bet they'll only think that whoever didn't hire you is dumb or wrong. Because people are often too busy caring to judge. True fact.

    Also: I know you know this, but things happen for a reason, a lot of the time. Silver lining and one-door-shutting-so-another-opens and stuff. It's true. You can be so disappointed that you could just sleep for the rest of your life, and then have the best experience EVER.

    Mostly, I hope you know that I'm sorry, that sucks, but you'll be ok and you'll get over it and in the end, you might be grateful for what you wanted but didn't get.

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  8. Hi Charlotte, I've been reading your blog for a little over two years, since the beginning of 2010. Your blog helped me get through my troubles and insecurities I faced during my first year of college, and  helped me become confident in my style and my life. But, I don't think I've ever commented on your blog; I've always felt like I didn't really know what to say, or if anything I could say would even help, since we don't even know each other at all. Today, even though I don't know you, I do know this feeling, and I understand.

    It's incredibly brave of you to post about this, and tell all of your readers. I know when I got rejected from nearly every summer program I applied to in 2010, I wasn't exactly in a sharing mood with my close friends and family, let alone a bunch of strangers. I'm going through the process again now, the dreadful waiting, the late nights worrying, the awful self-doubt, waiting to hear back from programs to get some self-validation. And I've realized one thing, which is something I think you should repeat to yourself whenever you feel that black hole of self-pity creeping in. I AM QUALIFIED. I am more than just good enough, and I did deserve that position. If someone else can't see that, then screw them. It took me a long time and a lot of tears and rejections to get to this point, but I've realized that a rejection is sometimes a reflection of an employer's lack of insight, not of my skill. And I remind myself of the amazing things I have accomplished in life in order to affirm that fact.

    So I guess my point is this: You haven't changed. You were a strong, confident, talented, amazing young woman before you even applied for the position, and you are the same person after. I'm terribly sorry you didn't get the position, and I can understand that you'll want to cry and drown your sorrows in Ben&Jerry's for a few days. But when you feel like putting the spoon away, repeat to yourself all of the fantastic things that you've accomplished, and don't just brush them away as luck or circumstance. YOU have made an imprint on this world, and your hundreds of followers can attest to that. No matter what happens from here on out, it won't be a waste of time, because I'm sure you will make a fantastic learning experience out of whatever comes your way. You did nothing wrong, and eventually you will find a position where not only will you get hired, but your employer is grateful to have you on board. You deserve that much.

    Best of luck,

    Kiran

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  9. I'm really sorry that you didn't get the job - but I believe its not any indication or reflection that you lack anything. But really - it's their loss. I don't know you personally, but you seem to be a driven woman who will be successful one day. Don't stop trying and continue to believe in yourself! :)

    *goes back to lurking*

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  10. Aw Charlotte I'm so sorry to read that.It happened to me when they rejected me for a MSc course. I gave oral and writing exams I was convinced that I'll pass them and get into the course. However, when I got the phonecall thelling me I was rejected I couldnt believe it.In fact I asked them if someone was making fun of me :P

    One year later I realised that everything happens for a reason.I got another opportunity to study at Newcastle University.And now, almost 3 years later, I assure you that everything happens for a reason...

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