I had a couple of scheduled posts planned for this week while I was getting on with the dance show and my dissertation, but if you follow me on Twitter, you'll know of the events that transpired yesterday and I didn't think it was appropriate to post about nails and jackets without telling you what had happened.
Yesterday's phonecall was not what I expected. I'd been waiting for 5 days to hear back about the interview I had on Wednesday for the placement in San Francisco. I'd been feeling constantly sick and the worry was keeping me awake at night. But I knew my interview had gone well, and my application was good. The job was working in a gift store on Fisherman's Wharf and I've been working in retail since I was 16. I had all the skills for the job, and I'd spoken about the job and the location with passion and excitement. It was my absolute dream job- working with people and clothes in a city that I loved. I knew it was the summer I needed after my final year of uni. I was apprehensive following my interview, but I was quietly confident. I'd told lots of people about the job and I was so so excited about it. I really thought I had it in the bag.
At first, I thought it was a joke, "they didn't chose you." Then I realised it was real. And I started to cry. Uncontrollably. Mascara was streaming down my face. People were staring. I could barely think, barely breathe. How could this be happening? How was this real? The London office didn't know why I hadn't been chosen, he thought I had a really good chance. He told me to be myself and that my application was good. I was myself, but myself wasn't good enough.
Yesterday was a blur of a burning red face and breaking of bad news. Endless sympathy and sadness. I think my Mum cried when I told her. We all thought I was going to get it. We'd all told everybody that I was going to San Francisco. And now I just feel stupid. I feel like such an idiot. I am so ashamed of myself for being so cocky, for thinking I had already gotten the job. All the hours spent preparing for the interview, the hours spent reading into everything that happened. The times I spent googling San Francisco when I was having a bad day.
At the moment, it doesn't feel real yet. It's not really sunk in. I'm waiting for a phonecall later today to find out what my options are now. I've paid £600 for this programme so far and I don't want to withdraw, but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to end up washing dishes in a "remote community". Apparently I'm still on review for positions in LA, Orange County and New Hampshire but I'm terrified about what happens if I don't get one of those places. Do I just end up somewhere, anywhere, by default? Do I still want to be working in America even if it's somewhere I don't want to be? I lived in small town America on my year abroad and loved it, but do I want to be a real small, small town? Would I rather stay here and work in a supermarket? What do I do now?
I always try to think that everything happens for a reason, but this has been hard to take. If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll know I've not had the best year this year, and this was one thing keeping me going. This was the thing keeping me going through my endless hours in the library, through all the hard work I've done for my degree- this was my reward.
And now I just feel deflated. I feel like I've let myself down and everyone else down. I failed a job interview to work in a shop. It's not like being rejecting for grad schemes (which keeps happening!) where I've thought, well, maybe I didn't have the skills they wanted. I had the skills for this. I had the personality they wanted. And I don't really know where I went wrong. What I did wrong. But my confidence is completely crushed. I'm finding it hard to accept that the future I had planned isn't the one I thought I was getting.
I still have a scheduled post lined up and another one to finish writing. After last night's dress rehearsal (which went on until 11.30pm!) I don't think I'm going to have time to blog this week, and as my dissertation is due in next Thursday, I'm up and out too early to take outfit photos. I promise soon I'll be back to usual.
I'm sorry to have to bring you bad news. I'm really sorry. I just have to hope that something better will come along. Because what choice do I have? You have to just keep going...