Friday, 20 July 2012

Homesick and Restless

I'm feeling restless. My trip to Boston has fallen through and while I know I could go on my own, I'm not sure if I want to. In my head, an independent trip to Boston sounded like a great idea. But now, I'm not so sure. I would arrive in Boston at about 2pm, at the earliest, and by the time I'd found my hostel and put down my bags, it would be mid-afternoon. I'd be in a city I didn't know, in a hostel of people I didn't know and even if I had some amazing experiences and saw amazing things, I would have no-one to share those memories with. And I don't know how I feel about that. I'd then have to leave at 1pm the next day to catch the bus back from New York to Seaside. 24 hours in a city I've wanted to visit for years. Is it worth it? Isn't it the equivalent of having a major chocolate craving and eating advent calendar chocolate instead of waiting for your brownies to bake in the oven? I'm terrified to miss out on an opportunity, but I'm even more scared to waste it. Is it worth it to go all that way for 24 hours, just to say "I went to Boston"? Is it not better to wait until I have more time to really experience the place? Or am I being ridiculous and should I go and do this big life-changing independent thing? Or it that not what I'm doing with this road trip, where I'm joining a group of people I don't know? Am I already visiting enough cities this time around? It kinda feels like really wanting to read a book but instead just reading a synopsis on the internet. Sure you get the instant gratification, but you don't get the experience. I don't want to rush going to Boston, but I hate this feeling of being incomplete. The feeling that the plans I had have fallen through, leaving me with a gaping hole. I just really, really want to go to Boston, but is it better to wait, to have time to really experience the place, instead of just going because I can?
The travel bug is killing me right now. There are just so many places I want to see and it's stressing me out. I need to see more of Europe. I want to go to New England. I want to see all of the North-East coast. I can't help feeling so restless. The last few days have been long and rainy and miserable and it's just making me sad. My flights to Minnesota are waaay more expensive than I expected, which is stressing me out. I'm starting to feel like I get up, go to work, come home and sleep and then get up for work again. I think it's just because it's been a quiet week, but 6 weeks here and I'm getting restless. I just wish I knew why.
I'm also getting really homesick. Really, really homesick. I miss England so much. I'm having a great time, don't get me wrong, but last time I was in the States I saw it as this country of milk and honey, the land of the free, home of the brave. Everything was rose-tinted. This time, less so. I couldn't tell you why. It's probably just trying to recreate an experience. You know when you go to a restaurant and have a really great meal, and then go back and order then same thing and for some reason it's not as good? It's kind of like that. Last time I feel like I was so young and idealistic. I was living in America. I had an older boyfriend and he was American. Everything was so exciting and fun and beautiful. Everything was just an ideal. This time, it's much more real. This country isn't perfect. Not that England is perfect, not at all, but England is home. It's perfect to me.  I miss my friends and my family and my life back home. I don't want to sound ungrateful or that I'm not enjoying myself, because I am. I'm just homesick and restless. Ready for something new, ready for a change. But like with Boston, I don't want to waste these opportunities, these experiences. I don't want to wish my life away. I want to be here, in the moment, enjoying my time here before its snatched away by the inevitable future.
I think I'm just having a lonesome week. I'm sad that my plans have fallen through and maybe that has become a catalyst for this loneliness. Because I love my independence, I love being alone. I just don't want to be lonely. And I'm scared if I took the trip alone, I would be lonelier than ever. Patience is not my greatest asset, but I can't help thinking the trip, whoever I go with in the future, will be worth the wait.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to do as much as I can. I'm going to try to take every experience that presents itself and enjoy them as much as possible. But I have to accept I can't do everything on this trip, but I can enjoy everything I can do. I don't want to wish my life away because before I know it, this trip will be over and I'll be back home wishing I was back here.
Undoubtedly wearing those rose-tinted glasses again.


Edit: I was just thinking about this post again. Remember when I got here and I hung out with someone new every night? I need to get back to doing that again. Asking people to hang out, asking people to do things. I'm not going to get anywhere spending every night at home reading my Kindle. I can do that at home. Here, I need to go eat fried chocolate bars, go to Mexican restaurants that are actually good, go to the beach and do all the things I can't do at home. And I will. I promise. </endgrumpycharlotte>


Second edit: Bollocks to it, I might just go. Why not? Even if I'm only there for a few hours, it's an experience I can't have if I'm back at home. I'm 22, I'm an adult. I can go on a trip on my own. I'm going to look at the Megabus prices and times now. I'm going to go to Boston.


Third edit: So I'm also going to New York for the day on Tuesday. Yay.

9 comments:

  1. go babe, go! it's better to go and see it and have personal memories than to not go and then wish you did. Make the most of it and if it's a place you want to see, see it! If i go away next summer i will probably have to deal with the fact of going places alone. But it's YOU time, relaxation in a way, even for 24 hours you can explore and reflect on more plans you wish to make. You may even enjoy being by yourself and taking in everything to accomplish your personal goal, however mini. I hope that makes sense. Big hugs to you! it's probably because your plans have fallen through that you start to think about home and things. stay strong, i have faith in your independence xxxx

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  2. I say: GO TO BOSTON! Why the hell not? Being afraid doesn't get you nowhere, and like I always say: it's better to regret mistakes you've made, than to regret having not done anything at all! Maybe it will suck, it might, but it's just one day of having to be on your own. It's not that big a deal. And who knows, maybe you'll have a wonderful time!! You'll get back to England before you know it, and don't you want to come back with the feeling that you've made the most of your time there??

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  3. Is there another option? Can you find someone else at the camp to go with instead? One of the other people you have been hanging out with?
    Can you go later on instead, whilst you are here? Can you go as part of your road trip? Can you do couch-surfing instead of a hostel so that you are staying with a family which is sometimes less isolating than a hostel?


    I have had a slightly similar thing with my honeymoon in a way.  I have always wanted to go to Japan, forever and ever. We were going to go for our honeymoon but then found out that the date we picked for the wedding   is not in the sakura season, the cherry blossoms. Although I've always wanted to go to Japan, I have wanted to much to go for the flower festivals. To go for our honeymoon, but in summer would be like not-properly fulfilling a dream. To go all the way to Japan, but then it be too hot and not see the very things I've wanted to? As such we are going to wait a whole other year after our wedding to go do the dream 'properly' and then have our honeymoon. I know it is not the same situation at all, but I just think that there are always other opportunities and if part of your dream has been to go to Boston with a friend, then you don't have to feel guilty for waiting for that time.


    Plus, it is always frustrating when plans fall through. It is upsetting
    to have your heart on something and not do it. Could you go somewhere
    else instead of Boston for your holiday-break? The way I see it is if
    you go through with it it may feel frustrating because it will be a
    'half-plan', not the trip you wanted and you may then resent Boston. If
    you do something totally new then it's a fresh plan so it won't matter
    about being alone.

    However, it's just my advice/thoughts. Feel free to reject.

    www.origamigirlheroics.blogspot.com

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  4. Just saw your update!
    If you want to do it, that's great!

    Ignore all of my thoughts and have fun. :D

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  5. I completely understand where you're coming from too. It's so hard! I've decided to go and treat it as a kind of "sneak peek"- I go for a day and if I like it and can't see everything, I plan to go again in the future. I think it makes more sense for me to go for a day, than to not go at all and regret it. My road trip is pre-booked so I can't go to any new places, but the hostels are quite cheap so I wouldn't lose too much money going. I feel like I'd rather go on my own than ask anybody else at this point. My plan was always to go to Boston alone, but then I got excited about going with someone else. So now I just have to adjust back to the idea of going alone again.
    Your situation is tough too! I guess it is very similar to mine. I think you should go and enjoy your time doing everything else, and plan to go again in the future. I hope you decide what to do!

    Charlotte x

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  6. Charlotte pack your things and GO because you never know when the next opportunity is gonna come and if it doesn't you are going to be kicking yourself

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  7. If your gut instinct says go, then you go! You were brave enough to travel thousands of miles alone, something many people would struggle to even think of doing! You really remind me of myself in the sense that you analyse decisions from every angle possible and this: " I love my independence, I love being alone. I just don't want to be lonely" is like my bloody motto honestly :D It really jumped out at me when I saw it. Take every opportunity that comes your way Charlotte because you never know how things go and if things don't go the way they should then at least you can say, I did that. I was brave enough to do it alone. Independence and motivation are the two things people struggle with the most, and you've got the two so go go go to Boston :D Good luck and take lots of pictures for us readers to see! xo

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  8. I'm going to make this brief, but believe me when I say that I totally relate and pretty much EVERYONE experiences these feelings.  I know you feel alone, but you're not.  Especially with all these blog readers/friends/supporters!  

    I would for sure say just go.  Make the most of your limited time out here, no it won't be ideal but it'll will be an experience you'll have forever.  Also, the Jersey Shore is NOT Minneapolis.  Which may be part of the reason you're not feeling so idealistic these days.  

    Anyway - I'm going to send you an e-mail with some Boston & NYC recommendations.  :) 

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  9. Reading this post it just sounds like you're putting far too much pressure on yourself. I think because you're trying so hard to recreate the happy experiences of before it's getting stressful if it doesn't feel the same. You need to take the pressure off yourself. Relax say yes to all the opportunities that cross your path and if you don't feel like doing something don't see it as a massive deal and a wasted opportunity instead just do something else. 
    The best experiences you'll have are probably the ones which are natural and unexpected. Relax take the pressure off yourself.

    dp
    x

    www.inanityandthegirl.com

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