First of all, I would like to thank all of your for your messages yesterday. It's been a very hard, very emotional and very painful few days. I am still in pain from my knees and my chest and have started to develop some whiplash, but I am spending the day at home today resting. Being in a car crash has probably been the scariest thing to ever happen to me and I'm still very shaken. I keep reliving it over and over, and knowing all the things I could have done differently, but I know there is no point in dwelling on all of that. I have to just wait and see what I learn from this experience, because life is all about lessons.
One thing I was thinking about last night when I went to bed was perspective. I've talked before on my blog about perspective and the bigger picture. I am a perfectionist and spend far too much time dwelling on the little things. I am also a complete worrier, and often have no idea what I am worrying about and what is stopping me from doing certain things. This incident has caused me to do a lot of soul searching, and I am now trying to read as much online and try to get some books about focusing on the big picture and not getting caught up in the little things. But yesterday, I almost died. Sure, I'm pretty sure the car is ruined, but I came out with just a few scrapes and some bruising. I could have lost a leg, my sight, or my life. I was so lucky. But all I kept thinking about was the car and that it was ruined. Now, in retrospect, I can see how lucky I was not to be injured, to be able to walk out of the car and to be conscious and able. It's on a loop inside my head, I'm forced to watch it over and over. And I keep realising how terrifying it really was. And then I realise that a car is just metal, just plastic and metal. And that being lost is sad and stressful and inconvenient. But if I had lost my life, or even injured myself, everything would be turned upside down. I have to focus on the big picture, that I am alive and well, not that a car, as much I loved it, was destroyed. Here is what I wrote in my journal last night...
Perspective has never been one of my strong points.
I moan about one A- alongside eight A's. I sulk about missing out on two week's work experience when I already have three weeks secured, and after getting none last year. I envy more successful blogs and ignore the results of my own hard work. I shout at my amazing boyfriend for not showering me in compliments, and forget how wonderful he is. I moan to him about my insecurities and forget all the times he calls me beautiful.
Today I was in a car crash and came out with just minor scrapes and bruises. I could have lost a leg or been brain damaged. I could have been dead.
But I got out alive and well.
Sure, the little red car is ruined but I'm alive.
Life is precious. One mistake and that could be it. Perspective is hard. It's something that Erick has mastered but I just can't grasp yet. Perspective is not dwelling on the little every day things, but focusing on the big things.
Perspective is prioritising.
Perspective is appreciating every time he tells me he loves me and not getting upset when he forgets. Perspective is looking at my achievements, not my failures. Perspective is improving what I can and learning to accept what I can't change. Perspective is focusing on the future, on my goals and not on the little things that don't matter.
I'm going back to my 10 good things everyday.Big stuff too.
I have been lucky enough to study abroad. I have been to New York and Chicago and San Francisco. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. I have amazing friends. I have a supportive family. I have a job to help me save for the future.
For every worry I have to think, what is the worst that could happen? Will this matter tomorrow, next week. next year?
I need to keep focused. Because I may not have been alive today. And life is too short to waste worrying.
Do any of you struggle with perspective, and do you have any ways to deal with it? So far this link has helped, and this one, which funny, has also helped too. I'm going to keep looking around today for more advice on the big picture and keeping perspective.
It's going to be hard and it's going to be a long journey. It's been really difficult lately, especially being away from Erick. I've been crying about missing him and not thinking about how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man. I cried about missing my friends who I been to visit last week, but didn't think about how lucky I am to have such amazing friends. And I cry about missing America, but don't think about how lucky I am to have had such an amazing experience.
Perspective is hard, but after yesterday, I have to keep focused.