Sunday, 6 November 2011

At 1.30pm yesterday afternoon I was shaking with fear. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. I was dizzy with my own thoughts. I couldn't even think straight. I'd spent all morning on my hair, on my makeup, worrying about what to wear. I was meeting "the ex" for the first time since the break up.

I phoned my parents on the bus, going over and over every possible outcome. Something I'd been doing for four weeks. I had been worrying myself so sick that it had actually been making me physically ill. I'd never felt so scared of anything in my whole life.

As I got off the bus and walked towards where I knew he'd be, I glanced him looking over the crowd to see me, and that was when I knew everything would be okay. I looked at him and I knew he was that exact same boy that I fell in love with almost a year ago. There was no awkward hi, or a handshake, I fell straight into his arms.

And then I had my best friend back. The guy I had spent 6 months of my life falling in love with, and 3 months trying to get over. I was so nervous at lunch I barely touched my food, but I realised it didn't matter. It didn't matter what my hair looked like or what my makeup was like. This was Erick. My Erick. The guy who had seen my countless times without makeup, thought I was sexiest in a hoodie and sweatpants and had sat with my while I threw up for the first time from drinking.

The awkwardness melted away pretty quickly. We just talked. We talked and talked like we did when we were together. I was scared that we wouldn't feel comfortable reminiscing, but that was all we did. We shared our news, our stories. We caught up on those horrible three months of no contact.

Admittedly, it was hard. There were times when I grabbed his arm while we were walking, times when I fed him ice cream, and times when I felt something move when he looked into my eyes. There were times when I felt like his girlfriend all over again. But despite that, it wasn't this horrible day I'd been scared of. We know each other inside out and while things have changed, we haven't.

We went for ice cream after lunch, something we always used to do, and walked around town. We were going to an American football game after and he took me home to wrap up. It was strange having him in my house. One thing I was glad about moving back to uni was that nothing here reminding me of him. Now he's been in my room and sat in my chair and touched my life.

During the football game, I found it really hard to be his ex. I just wanted to be his girlfriend. Being with other people, it was the first time I wasn't sure how to act around him. So I went off with some of the girls to talk. We went back to his friends' house, ate fish and chips, played board games and watched Russell Brand. I kept trying to touch him, wanting him so badly, but I knew he didn't want it.

He offered to walk me home, and that was when we could finally talk. I hated to watch him go, I hated to have him leave me all over again. And I finally told him everything. How much he hurt me in breaking up with me. How much he hurt me in what he said in the break up. How angry and upset I have been these last few months. Some stuff I'm not sure if I should have said. But he wanted me to say it, and we talked. We talked about everything that had happened since the break up, what happened between us. And just us. I told him how scared I had been about the day, how people had told me I was doing the wrong thing. That I still loved him. And he kinda laughed and said he knew that I would build him up to be this ex-boyfriend guy when he was just him. And I agreed and said that I had even built up in my head this whole story about how he had never loved me. He assured me that was never the case. It was then that I realised how stupid I had been being so scared. We were the same people we had always been, we just weren't together anymore.

And once we got past this, we could be friends. We could laugh about embarrassing stuff, even talk about the more intimate parts of our relationship without it seeming weird. We talked like old lovers, reminiscing about their past. I told him things I didn't think I could ever tell him. And we contemplated something happening. One finally night together. But we knew it was too early. I told him that I had a feeling this wasn't the end for us, that one day I thought we'd be back together, if our paths cross that way. I told him I still loved him and knew he still loved me too, but in a different way now. I told him I still thought he was hot, and he said he still thought I was hot. And we hugged, a lot. And when I went to bed, I was smiling, thinking about our amazing day and thinking that I had finally got closure and was ready to move on. I had my best friend back, even if he was just that. He said it had been weird going from talking to me every day to not talking to me for 3 months.

But now I'm typing this and crying. And I have no idea why. I don't know if it's just all the emotional build-up, this anti-climax. I don't know if I've fallen for him all over again, and now I have no idea when I'm going to see him next. I don't know. I just feel like I had a million and one emotions yesterday. And I'm not sure how I feel anymore. I thought I had closure last night, but now I feel confused. I know I did the right thing seeing him, I know that. A lot of things had to be said. But maybe I have more stuff to get out of my system before I can move on. Maybe I need to cry. Maybe this is my final mourning of our relationship before I say goodbye.

EDIT: I just had to phone the only person I knew I wanted to speak to. For two hours. I cried for most of the first hour. Being friends is going to be hard, because there will always be something between us, and there will always be some regret that things didn't work out. I hate that so much of our break up was due to circumstance, and that makes it even harder because I know things would have been different if I hadn't left. Today, and probably the next week or so, is going to be hard, because I have a new experience, a new situation to adjust to. I know that I want to stay talking to him and start being friends, but I just hope that isn't too hard. I don't want to go back to not speaking to him for 3 months like when we first broke up. I don't know what happens now. 

8 comments:

  1. You are a strong, wonderful woman. Never forget that.
    Break ups make us have to deal with all of our own faults and as women, we always try to make it seem like somehow, in some way, the relationship ending was a fault of our own making. It never is. Some people don't know how much they can take in a relationship. Long distance relationships are even more tenuous since it relies on both people being completely and utterly committed to making it work.
    You did the right thing, by seeing him. I myself went through this last year and majority of this year with my boyfriend. I'm now living in South Korea and he is just beginning his career in the military. The break ups and the decision to stop talking to the person you love fully and completely is hard and absolutely life saving.
    I'm lucky, I guess. He came to win me back before he joined the military and I moved here. And now I'm not so lucky, because our chances of being together for more than a week at a time, won't occur for five years.
    Enjoy your time right now. When I stopped talking to my boyfriend after our break up, I started on a new life passion, hence teaching English in South Korea. Focus your life on going back to the states, the paperwork and visas is a pain in the ass(I only know because of my friend and her husband's paperwork nightmare and getting him to the states). The sooner your start on that and get focused on being there, the sadness and mourning you have for the relationship will move away.
    You are so strong, crying is a sign of that.

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  2. I've felt as if I could cry after I finished reading this blog post, possibly because I'm scared it'd be my future-self, emotion-wise. I'm currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend in Germany. We met during our study year abroad in Japan and started dating, but now we are not sure how to go on. In fact he just asked me over skype the other day whether this is a "real" relationship because it doesn't feel like it's leading to anywhere.

    I've been reading your blog since you were studying in America and started your relationship. I was really shocked to have found out that you and Erick ended your relationship, but I guess you could never tell how things would turn out, no matter how well you had planned. Things are probably really tough for you now but I truly hope you'll feel better. This too shall pass! You have your family and friends who really care about you. Who knows what will happen in the future!? Let's make the best of it today!

    Your blog is really amazing! Please keep it up. I love how you're always honest with your feelings in your blog. It makes your blog "real"!

    Love and warm hugs,
    Natta

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  3. I'm glad you got to talk to him and get it all of your chest. Holding everything in will kill you. And I'm glad that you guys can be friends, now. Good luck with everything-I hope it works out of you!

    Lindsey Soup

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  4. They've said it all...All I wanna do is give you a big bear hug! <3

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  5. Love you, Charlotte! You're so strong and I know you'll be able to move on from this! HUGS!

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  6. Hi, I don’t know you but came across your blog and just had to leave you a message. I admire your courage for meeting up with your ex after its clear that you were totally in love with him, it just shows how strong you are and this is just admirable. I am a similar age to you and haven’t been very well, I felt I needed to leave you this message as you seem to be constantly putting yourself down and feeling sorry for yourself. I know this sounds blunt but you need to get over it all. There is more to life than continuously criticizing yourself and living your life through your hang ups..You are a strong, beautiful girl with AMAZING fashion sense, and it breaks my heart to see you so depressed, when lets face it your worries are minimal compared to others! Stop dwelling on what your not and be happy with what you have. I hope you manage to overcome these events occurring in your life and can begin to enjoy the success given to you because lets be honest your life isn’t terrible and by you moaning about nothing its insulting those who actually have real problems going on.
    Take Care
    K xx

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  7. Charlotte, I think you're really brave to write all this down, as well as to meet up with Erick. Things will get better - obviously, no one knows when, but it will happen. I promise.

    I also want to just say, the comment left by Kathy struck me as really rude. I think you have every right to your emotions. And you certainly don't "moan" all the time - most of the time, you strike me as quite happy, but with just a few little hang ups that get you down occasionally (I think I'm the exact same way - I'm generally happy, with a few little issues that occasionally knock me on my butt!) Continue being honest on your blog and with yourself. You can't just "get over" things - life isn't that simple. I know you'll work it out eventually, but don't listen to those who want to pressure you into just "cheering up" and "moving on," because nothing is that easy!!

    xo Michelle

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  8. Goodness, this was not the post I was expecting when I stopped by your blog today, but good for you for putting this all out there. The funny thing about fashion blogging is that most of do only share a certain part of ourselves on your blogs. I know for certain that I allude to things in my life, but rarely talk about them in any great depth. I'm really impressed that you were able to be so open and honest about a difficult situation. I've been lucky enough in my life to have most things go my way in love, but I have spent the past few weeks helping a friend over a very sad and unexpected break-up, so reading your post rang very familiar to me. More than anything, always remember, you are not alone. No matter what you're feeling, someone, somewhere, understands it completely.
    xox,
    Cee

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