I don't know what started it, but I've been having a really tough time over the last few weeks. Last night things really came to a head. It was 8pm. I'd left the house at 8.45am for my 9am class, and spent my entire day in the library until my dance class at 7. When I got home, a lot of stuff happened and I found myself on the phone to my mum crying for 2 hours. I just wanted to go home.
This morning I woke up, feeling a little better, but ended up stressed and crying again, desperate to come home. The only thing stopping me was the fact I had a shift at my bar job at 11pm. I knew it was too late to get my shift covered but I knew I had to come home.
I've been working at Joe's bar since my first year of university and I absolutely loved it in my first and second years. Since coming back from my year abroad, however, it's never felt the same. I don't know anybody and it's wrecks my weekend working til 4am on a Saturday and with dancing almost every night of the week, it's been too much. So this afternoon, I decided to hand in my notice.
It was a really hard decision to make. I've made so many friends there and it's been such a wonderful job, but at the moment I barely work anyway and I feel guilty about only being able to commit to working once every couple of weeks. It means I can't come home when I need to, or get up early on a Sunday for a good long day in the library. But I knew that it was making me miserable. I just couldn't balance it with my university work and my other commitments.
I'm scared of regretting my decision in a few weeks, but I know it was the right thing to do. I've been having a really hard time at university lately and everything has just felt too much. I hate to quit and felt like a failure in a lot of ways, but I know by quitting one thing I can concentrate on more important things in my life: my degree, my writing, my blog, my dancing and my friends.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't do everything and be everyone you want to be.
I hope I've made the right decision.
I've now come back home, just until tomorrow, to spend my weekend with my parents and sorting out job applications and having a bit of a rest. I know it's what I need to do.
School is really kicking my ass right now and taking it all out of me, but I know I just need to stay strong and focused for a few more weeks and do the absolute best I can with my studying.
Thank you for all of you who sent me lovely messages of support on Twitter.
Change is scary, but sometimes it's what you need.