Thursday, 21 October 2010
Why dressing for comfort makes me uncomfortable.
It's 8.33pm and I'm in the library.
When my housemate Kait turned to me in class and said "what you're doing tonight?", I thought a fun offer was on the agenda. When I answered "nothing", she responded "wanna come to the library with me?"
So here I am, obviously not doing homework.
While I'm checking my email every 15 seconds (hey!! I might have a blog comment...), reading my favourite blogs and generally procrastinating, I don't really feel myself.
Why? Because I'm dressed in jeans, a hoodie and UGG boots.
And I know most people would think "So? You're in the library!!", and this is why I thought I could get away with dressing this way. I'd gotten home from the gym and after a shower I just wanted comfort.
Usually on a Wednesday I get into my pajamas at 5.30pm and don't get out of them until the next morning.
I like comfort in my own house- you will almost never see me out of my dressing gown at home, even though I'm dressed up to the nines underneath.
But right now, I feel horribly uncomfortable.
I don't feel me at all.
I'm not the prettiest girl in the world.
I'm not the smartest.
I'm not the funniest.
I'm not the most fun.
I'm just me, and my way of expressing myself is not through my clever philosophical points in class or my hilarious jokes (though I am hilarious...) but through my clothes. And arguably, my pink hair.
Dressing in this way makes me feel like everybody else.
And it makes me feel like everyone is staring at me.
I'm not sure if it's because I have a weekly fashion column here at the University newspaper; I feel because of this an urge to look good all the time even more so than usual, and the fact that I wrote a scathing condemnation of sweatpants a few weeks ago in it. I feel that I shouldn't be allowed to dress for comfort, and I usually don't want to.
I don't like to be seen when I'm not looking my best.
Is this about people looking at me, how people perceive me, if people are judging me? Or it this about me, myself, my own fear of blending in and being like everyone else?
I'm not sure, but all I know is that right now, with my fringe plaid, my hair dry-shampooed and my makeup somewhat diminished from this morning, I don't feel right, I don't feel me.
Am I horribly shallow? I don't judge other girls for dressing in this way, not at all.
It just isn't the way I like to present myself.
Right now, I do feel comfortable, just not in the right way.